Congratulations! You are now the proud boyfriend of your very own Gay Asian Male (GAM). With proper maintenance your GAM will give you months if not years of challenging companionship. To guide you in your multicultural adventure, we have put our brains together (which combined almost equals one whole brain) to produce this list of helpful tips. Fasten your seatbelt, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

1. Hair, Part I:: If you're a rice queen, you love straight, black hair. But forget about ever touching it. Even if he lets you, it would be like running your fingers through a chain link fence, because...

2. Hair, Part II:: The Gelling Hour. Time stops when the GAM is gelling. This is his special, private time. Don't try to watch and whatever you do don't pressure him to hurry - if he makes a mistake he'll insist on starting all over again. We suggest you leave the house. Remember, gelling is an art not a craft. And don't bother trying to time YOUR preparations with HIS. The gelling never starts until you are ready to leave. This is to ensure he will have the bathroom to himself.

3. Shopping:: When shopping with the GAM and his girlfriends, you should never place your body between them and an on-sale label or you'll end up road kill.

4. Food, Part I:: Speaking of road kill. When you smell an unbearable stench coming from the kitchen it means the GAM is cooking his native food:
- Congratulations. If he's cooking for you, consider yourself married.
- Clean your plate. Ungratefulness is among the worse of the 7 Deadly Sins of a Boyfriend ("What? I'm cooking for you already? So what if it's pork-blood-kim-chee-fungus soup!!!").

5. Food, Part II:: And before we leave the subject of food... say goodbye to desserts, dairy products (he's lactose-intolerant... among other things), and whatever you consider to be comfort foods. He won't like them. Oh, and if you're serious about dating GAMs, you will need a rice cooker. He will laugh at anything less than 12-cup capacity. And while you're at it, get a rice dispenser too. The sight of a sack of rice laying on the kitchen is likely to make your GAM moan in disgust.

6. Driving Ms. Dizzy:: If you are lucky, your GAM will not know how to drive or, on general principle, will insist that you do it. If he does drive, be sure your premiums are paid, your seat belt is fastened, and your air bag is working. And bite your tongue. By now, you've discovered that your GAM is adverse to criticism. Confucius says: "If you don't have anything nice to say, say it behind his back."

7. Maintenance (high):: You can always count on your GAM to be in touch with his inner needs, wants, desires, and opinions. No need for expensive therapy here. The same goes for you. You only have one need now - your GAM - and since your needs are now met, you can concentrate on meeting his. Whether he TELLS you his needs, however, is another matter. If you're sensitive and caring you should know them, right? As for your needs... well, you're a white boy who's strange and can't be understood... what can a GAM do?

8. Language:: When your GAM is talking to his girlfriends in his native tongue and you hear your name mentioned smile like they're saying nice things about you. Of course they're not, but GAMs think white boys are stupid and it's best to keep it that way. Later, when you've learned key words in his language you can guess what they're talking about from the context* and say something relevant. This will make them wonder how much you understand. Keep them wondering. (*This is easier than you think. It will either be clothes, men, haircuts, money, or whichever friends of theirs aren't in the room at the time.)

9. Family:: Welcome to the extended family. It's just as dysfunctional as the nuclear family, only ten times larger. If he is in the closet, a second bedroom and phone line will be essential to the elaborate ruse you will need to maintain on the off-chance that your in-laws arrive on the Orient Red-Eye to pay a surprise visit (read: inspection tour). And don't think you can ever escape them. Cousins, nephews, nieces, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles will fan out like tentacles across the globe to keep track of their GAM relative, and always with one urgent question on their lips: When is he (and his nice American roommate) going to GET MARRIED? On the other hand, if the family does accept their GAM, be ready for the interviews - aunties and grandmas will drill you relentlessly until they're satisfied that their GAM is in good hands. Oh, and you better get yourself a calendar with Asian holidays - your social life is committed from now until the next Year of the Dragon. (And if they're Flips, bring some Rolaids and get ready for karaoke.)

10. Sex:: Get rid of your leather harness, ropes, poppers, and other white boy fetishes. Your GAM is vanilla. At least sexually. Mentally there could be some torture. And you ARE a top aren't you? Of course you are or you never would have made it past #1! (Don't be confused if he grabs your ass on the first date - he's not a top, he's just checking size of your wallet.) -- ROTFLMAO!!!

If you've made it this far, congratulations. You are now in a committed relationship with your very own GAM. Try to forget the fact that there are 1 billion other Asian men in the world that you will never have. And as you plan your life together remember: designer jeans, cell phones, and cologne are necessities, not luxuries.

*GIGGLE*

Now, go check out Training Your White Boy in Ten Easy Lessons ;-)